Wow 2016, Just Wow

To say that 2016 was a big year, would be the understatement of the century. Any massive life change you could possibly imagine, Mark and I accomplished in 2016. We're hoping that 2017 brings us joy, but most importantly slows down a bit.

In January we left Greenville, which we had both called home for about 3 years. We moved further west to Knightdale to be in between our two jobs. For the next 3 months, we were fairly busy between finishing up grad school, Mark adjusting to his new job, and exploring Raleigh.

In May I graduated from grad school, and we took a trip to the Virginia mountains to see the Natural Bridge. About two weeks later in the beginning of June, we got the greatest news of the year, that we were expecting. July brought me a new job, and shortened my commute quite a bit. Then in August we found out we were having a little boy.

September we took a baby-moon trip to Orlando, where we did a pregnancy announcement, and Mark proposed both with the help of a few Star Wars friends. Additionally we became an Aunt and Uncle to a sweet baby girl. In October we bought our first house together, and made our third move in 3 years... we promise we're done moving for awhile.

That past 2.5 months of the year have been spent celebrating the upcoming arrival of our munchkin with baby showers in MD, and NC. Thanksgiving we took a trip to Pennsylvania, and enjoyed our time with Mark's family. We were lucky enough to spend Christmas at home, with family and the puppy. 

While 2016 was a great but busy year, I'm really looking forward to meeting our munchkin. We've seen his ultrasound pictures, and heard his heart beat for 7 months, I'm now ready to love on him in person. 

17 Years Later

Each year Labor Day weekend feels bittersweet to me. I look forward to the start of football season, and an extra day off work but I know it means you've been gone another year. It's crazy to think you've been gone 17 years. It really doesn't feel that long, until I start thinking about all the mile stones you're missing.

It's gotten a little easier with each passing year, but it doesn't make me miss you any less. It probably makes me miss you more, because I realize how long it's been since I saw your curly hair, scratchy beard, and infectious laugh. What I wouldn't give to watch you rough house with your grandson.

I know the heartache I feel for you is only a fraction of what your dad, sons, and sisters all feel for you. I can't wrap my brain around that. How did you not realize 17 years ago, just how loved you were? How incredibly proud we all were to call you family? I used to think there was something I could have done to save you. I know now, that I couldn't have saved you. The demons you fought were much stronger than a phone call from any one family member.

Today I'll celebrate your life. Remember the good times, the jokes, and all the laughs. I'll smile each time I pass a motorcycle, and hope that I can feel you around me today. I miss you sweet Uncle of mine. 

Dear Friend

Dear Friend-

At least that's what I think I should call you. I don't feel that foe is appropriate. Maybe stranger? At one point we were friends, the best of friends. We talked every day for 5 years, about every subject, and most days debated and argued about numerous topics. Then one day it stopped. Okay well maybe it wasn't that abrupt, but rather a steep decline. 

Our friendship that we had built, in all honesty wasn't a healthy one. I know that now. I know I could have handled the end of it much better. I think we both could have. But I miss my friend. I know our friendship ended on a very sour note, but the more I think about it I don't see why it can't be fixed. Or the slate wiped clean. Maybe hindsight is 20/20 and it can't be repaired, but I have to know I tried.

So here it is. My proposition for you. An olive branch. I suggest we start again, from square one. This is my I'm sorry for the way things ended. I'm sorry for my part in the demise. I'm sorry. Plain and simple. I am truly sorry. It's time to move forward. It's time to move on. 

Consider this letter, and all it's contents the olive branch. My hope is you'll reach out, and our friendship can start a new. 

Sincerely,
Casey

I Believe (2016 Edition)

About 3 years ago I wrote a post on this blog that listed out items I believed in. After reading through that post, I figured it was time for an update. Don't get me wrong I still believe in all of those, but I've added a few more items. 

1. I believe in second chances, but not thirds.
2. I believe that things like hot showers, soccer fields, and tattoos can be therapy for people.
3. I believe in dancing and singing in public whenever you feel the urge.
4. I believe that eating just dessert is an acceptable dinner option.
5. I believe in traveling. The experience, and the people you meet along the way. These cannot be duplicated.
6. I believe that one of the greatest and hardest joys  in life is learning to be happy for others.
7. I believe that cancer is an evil asshole.
8. I believe in facing fears. Small ones and large ones. Its hard, and tears are normally involved, but the feeling afterwards is amazing.
9. I believe in full calendars, numerous lists, and color coding. But I also believe in throwing the list to the wolves, and blank calendar days. 
10. I believe in experiencing all four seasons. Taking at least one moment and really taking it in. The beauty of the leaves changing, a summer sunset, the first snow fall, and the first bloom. Each of them has a different feel, and touch. They should not be taken for granted.

Dear Man in the White Truck

Dear Man in the White Truck:

Today you pulled up next to me at a stoplight. With my windows down enjoying a light breeze, I quickly typed out a text to send. You rolled down your window and made noises to imitate the clicking of a digital keyboard. When I looked up, you made a comment about me texting and mumbled something about ruining society, scoffed, and rolled up your window.

When you pulled up next to my car, you saw what you wanted to see. A young woman, sunglasses, texting away on her phone. You saw something you probably see every day. A girl slowly killing society by texting away at a stoplight. You saw everything that was wrong in the world, and tried to correct it. You saw no problem with your actions.

Here's what you didn't see. The girl behind those glasses was crying. She was having an absolute awful day. A day she was trying to improve, move away from. She was texting to let someone know how close she was to being home. She was on the edge and trying to curb on oncoming panic attack. And after your comments, and response, she did. I did. A full blown panic attack in the middle of traffic. All because you felt the need to be rude.

You assumed from one snap shot of my day, that you knew exactly who I was and what you could expect. You assumed I was a young college student. You assumed I was irresponsible. You didn't see the sunglasses hiding my tears. You just assumed that I couldn't see the world around me, and was texting and not paying any attention. But you weren't paying attention. There are other people in this world. When you say things, when you do things, no matter how small they are, they can hurt.

I urge you, man in the white truck, the next time that loose tongue of yours is to spew words of an unkind nature. Stop. We each face an internal battle no one else knows anything about. Realize that. Take a second to think about it. Words can change a moment. A day. A life.

Sincerely,

The Girl Behind the Sunglasses

Stars in the Sky

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” ~Eskimo Proverb

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the what ifs of after life. I'm not 100% sure why, might have something to do with the numerous mystery and crime tv shows I watch on a regular basis. If you've read any post on this blog, I think it's pretty clear I've lost some amazing and important people in my life. Some of them well before it was their time.

I've decided that I believe in reincarnation. Honestly I have to. I can't accept that some of the people I know are just bodies in a ground. I thought for the longest time that I felt certain people watching over my life, and to a point I still do. But I'd rather think that these people are still around. That on any given day, I have a chance of running into their beautiful soul. Having my life changed by them yet again, and without even knowing.

Thinking they are around, gives me a peace. A hope. A hope of running into someone who rides a harley, scruffy on the outside but a huge teddy bear on the inside. A hope to see a little kid who loves soccer, and with a great sense of humor. An older couple, who are feisty but with a sense of old fashioned values.

I miss these people, but the possibility of seeing a piece of them in someone I meet on the street fills me to the brim with happiness. The stars in the sky on a clear night remind me that even when I feel alone I am not. 

Reverse... Reverse

To say that 2014-2015 has been an interesting year, would definitely be an understatement. It was a good year by any measure, but one of those where I haven't ended up where I thought I would be but definitely where I am supposed to be. All the preconceived notions, predictions, and paths I had set out for myself have been torn apart, laughed at, and under construction. And in all honesty has left me a little short of... well... something.

Normally around this time of year I've started the countdown to my birthday. Okay, let's get real started is a large under statement. The day after my birthday, the countdown until the next year's festivities begin, but not this year. I've been dreading this year's birthday. The big 3-0. I'm just not ready. I know I have no choice, but I"m honestly not ready for it.

I mean who really wants to turn another year older? Don't lie. You may be excited to celebrate, but no one actually likes getting older. Gravity hits harder, gray hairs start showing, and the aches and pains last longer. It's just not fun. I can't imagine the Benjamin Button style of living is great either, but that's not the point.

How do you get over a funk about something you have no control over? I mean, in 32 days whether I like it or not, I'm turning 1 year older. Well maybe not... I've decided that I'm not turning 3-0... I'm turning 29.25, that's 29 and a quarter to you!